What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
