Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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