Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
