In the future we'll all be gay
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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