i already hear my dad disowning me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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