i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
