So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
