ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
