I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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