That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
