the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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