Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize