It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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