I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
