Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
