There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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