if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
