Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize