There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just found puke in my bra..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
