And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
