I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
