just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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