So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
