This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
