You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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