I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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