at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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