I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
