with your own penis?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
