My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
