Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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