Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
