if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
