i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
