I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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