Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
