i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
