I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
