Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
