I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
