I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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