alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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