so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
