So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
