I'm lost and stupid without you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
