I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dude i'm inner monologue high
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is Oprah even human
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
