Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
