Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
