I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
