One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
try to milk me bitch
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