My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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