we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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