based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
