Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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