in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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