Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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