I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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