my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
