Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
