living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
