I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Can I color on your dick again?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
