I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
