We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
