tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
